10 New Year’s Resolutions Law Enforcement Thinks You Should Keep

A (satirical) list of resolutions to live by in 2013.
  1. I will improve my artistic abilities in the New Year, but will not do so by painting obscene words on the sides of public buildings and traffic signs.
  2. If pulled over for a traffic violation, I will not ask the trooper if s/he knows this other trooper I’ve met in the past whose name I can’t recall.
  3. I will not ask a deputy for directions and then disagree with the directions given because the GPS says otherwise.
  4. I will not walk up to officers who are eating and proceed to ask them if they are eating.
  5. I will lose weight this year, but will not attempt to do so by running from the cops.
  6. I resolve to spend more time with my family and friends. Being in jail together does not count.
  7. I will be more punctual, but won’t use patrol cars with sirens as my personal escorts.
  8. I resolve to never tell a deputy/officer that I pay his or her salary.
  9. If I see a police officer at Dunkin’ Donuts, I will not laugh out loud. Only on the inside.
  10. I will stop pretending to “understand the law” because I watch a lot of Law & Order.
Thank you to Officer Eric Bohrer, Inver Grove Heights (MN) Police Department & Marshal Bill Swank, Department of Homeland Security, Federal Air Marshal Service, Cleveland Field Office for helping with this list.